WARNING
by Lekta
Summary: A bunch of silly one-shots of the team when they're drunk. Rated for suggestive themes and language. Please be advised.
1. Ianto

_Author Notes: Alright so I'm not entirely sure where this idea came from. I think it was advertisement I saw on tv or on the subway, anyways so this is just a bunch of funny one-shots of the Torchwood team when they're drunk. It's just a bit of silliness and something to do while I try to figure out some way to watch the new Torchwood, Being Human and Doctor Who episodes. They must have them on digital cable, right? Anyways, enjoy and if you know where these warnings are from please tell me so I can give credit where credit is due. Thanks!_

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own Torchwood, or these warnings. _

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when you are not.

--

Gwen couldn't keep the smile off her face as she listened to Ianto's story. The young Welshman was always a riot when he was pissed. He became insanely giggly and comfortable. It was a nice sight to see after his uptight rigidness at work. It really showed that Ianto was still capable of having fun and provided good blackmail material.

"AND THEN!" Ianto took a drink of his brew dramatically. "AND THEN HE SAT ON IT!"

"On the pin?" Gwen asked, fighting against her giggles. Ianto nodded and leaned in quite seriously, "and I didn't tell 'im."

"No," Gwen mock-gasped.

"Yes," Ianto said emphatically. "I mean, I tried to warn him that his pants weren't ready yet but he just wouldn't listen. Jack never listens."

"Amen to that," Gwen clinked glasses with Ianto. She was already feeling the buzz after only three drinks. Ianto looked absolutely plastered though. His cheeks were bright red, his eyes glassy and his tie was hanging loosely around his neck. Quite frankly, he looked adorable but Gwen wouldn't tell him that.

"He's hot though," Ianto sighed. Gwen smiled again. Jack seemed to have quite the effect on the little Welshman.

"Just wish he could remember how to schedule himself properly, or at least let me do it. This is the third date he's skipped out on!" Ianto exclaimed. Gwen patted his arm sympathetically. Jack and Ianto were supposed to go out to dinner but Jack had scheduled a meeting wit UNIT at the same time. Jack had begged Gwen to take Ianto out; since Rhys went out with his mates she didn't see why she couldn't. That's how they ended up at this dance club. They had danced- once they both had some drinks in them- and they had talked and Gwen found that Ianto was easier to get along with than she first assumed.

"Don't know why I bother," Ianto mumbled into his hands.

"It'll be alright, love. There's always next week." Gwen said; she hated emotional drunks. Ianto didn't seem to hear her though, just kept muttering to himself about _stupid Captains with no sense of time_.

"HE'S SO GOOD IN BED!" Ianto's voice raised in volume, a bright smile once again on his face.

"HIS TONGUE SHOULD BE _ILLEGAL_!" He said again as he took another hearty swig of his drink. Gwen burst out laughing. Oh dear, this was more amusing than she thought. Gwen felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around to find Jack smirking at her.

"Did I miss anything?" He asked. She smiled, "your boyfriend's a really funny drunk." He laughed at that and went to stand behind Ianto who was focused on his drink. He started when he felt two arms slip around his waist and looked up to meet Jack's bright blue eyes. His face split into a grin, "JACK!"

"Ianto," Jack said with a teasing smile.

"You're here," Ianto said again, stating the obvious.

"So are you," Jack laughed as he slid beside him. "Are you having fun with Gwen?"

"Lots, lotsa, lotsa, LOTSA FUN." Ianto nodded, leaning his head close to Jack's. The Captain's eyes were twinkling as he reached over to grab the rest of Ianto's drink. Ianto leaned in to Jack's ear as if he were going to whisper, "there's better things to do with your mouth than that." Jack choked on his drink; coughing and Gwen raised her eyebrows.

"So, did you eat anything?" Jack said once he'd gotten his break back.

"Nope, I couldn't find anything I liked," Ianto sighed, looking up at Jack. "I'm in the mood for Captain Sausage."

"Oh, too much information," Gwen said, feeling her face begin to burn.

"Look, Jack!" Ianto pointed out excitedly. "She turns the same colour you do when I suck-mmpphff." The sentence was cut off by Jack's hand over his mouth.

"Ianto love, you aren't whispering. Everyone can hear you," Jack said, amused. Ianto shrugged. Gwen _thought_ she'd seen the last of it.

"Ianto!" Jack suddenly yelped. The Welshman looked up at him innocently.

"I just wanted to touch it," he pouted at Jack. The Captain groaned, "what am I going to do with you?"

"Tie me up to the bedpost and have your way with me?" Ianto suggested. More than a few people stared at their table in shock. Jack looked down at his boyfriend with a lust filled gaze.

"I'll even keep the waistcoat on," Ianto grinned as he slipped his hands under Jack's shirt, feeling the skin shiver when his fingers skimmed over Jack's stomach. Jack grabbed Ianto's hand and shot a look at Gwen.

"Thanks again for taking Ianto out. He's never been this…loose before." He grinned turning back to his impatient boyfriend. Gwen watched as the taller man all but dragged the shorter one out of the club. She stirred her drink around and thanked god that was the end of the evening.

"ARE WE GOING TO HAVE SEX IN THE CAR!?" Ianto's shout carried through the busy area and Gwen put her head in her hands. She was never doing a favour for Jack again.

_It's a little bit more suggestive than what I usually write but I still think it's funny. You see that grey-purple button over there? CLICK IT! _


	2. Owen

_Author Notes: I know it's a bit late but I've been helping my friend out with her play, and last night was my brother's friend's birthday so we baked him a cake (French Vanilla and Caramel) and then Dollhouse premiered last night. It was amazing so that's why this is late. Only a day but still, I try to keep my deadlines. Plus, I'm also convinced that Xander is the third Winchester brother. There's some swearing and sexual references in this chapter, so be warned.  
_

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own Torchwood._

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends, over and over again, that you love them.

"I love you."

Ianto smiled at the very drunk medic and patted him on the back. Owen's bloodshot eyes looked into his and he grabbed Ianto's hands.

"No, really, Ianto, I love you." Owen insisted.

"Of course, Owen." Ianto exchanged a look with Tosh whose cheeks were red from laughing.

"I really do, you're the best," Owen chose that moment to hiccup, loudly, effectively cutting off the rest of that sentence. He took a drink of his whiskey and turned back to Ianto, "your coffee is better than sex."

"Oh, thank you." Ianto giggled into his hand.

"I think it's time to go," Tosh said.

"Do we have to?" Owen whined. Ianto took the glass away from him and grabbed their jackets.

"Yes, Owen. I think the evening's over."

"Okay," Owen said. Ianto and Tosh kept a firm grip on his upper arms as they hoisted him out of the seat. Owen was surprisingly easy to manoeuvre as they walked outside and the few short blocks to Owen's contemporary loft. On the way Owen had told a prostitute on the street, an old man walking his dog and a taxi cab driver that he loved them.

"I love you too, Tosh." Owen said as they dropped him on his couch. Ianto shook his head and went into the bedroom to get it ready.

"That's nice, Owen." Tosh said as she hung up his jacket.

"But I do! You're so pretty. Pretty, pretty, Tosh." Owen giggled. Tosh felt her face would permanently get stuck in the wide smile that was on her face. Owen was such an adorable drunk, sometimes. When he wasn't throwing glasses at people's heads, or starting fights.

"C'mon, Owen." Ianto said and he half-dragged, half-carried Owen to his bedroom and tossed him on the bed. Together they managed to get Owen out of his shoes and socks. Tosh blushed as she pulled Owen's button up shirt off, leaving him in a white t-shirt.

"I love you, both of you. You're so pretty." Owen said as Ianto pulled off his jeans, leaving him clad in his boxers. Tosh's body shook his barely restrained giggles.

"Okay, Owen, time for bed." Ianto said, putting his hands on his hips. Owen blinked up at him, "can I just do one thing?"

"What is it?" Ianto asked.

"This," Owen leaped off his bed and ran onto the balcony, throwing his arms out wide and shouted, "I LOVE IANTO AND TOSH!"

Ianto felt tears of laughter leak out of his eyes at the answering shout:

"THAT'S NICE MATE BUT COULD YOU FECKING SHUT UP!?"

Owen trotted happily back and crawled under the blankets. Ianto pulled the blankets up and around Owen's chin. He stepped back and put his arm around Tosh's shoulders.

"I feel like a parent watching their son sleep," Ianto said. "And it disturbs me greatly."

Tosh giggled, "at least we now have blackmail on Owen."

"True," Ianto sighed. "C'mon, I'll make you a coffee."

"Better than sex coffee?" Tosh smiled at Ianto. He rolled his eyes, "Jack calls it his orgasm in a cup."

Together they turned and walked out the door, flicking off the lights.

"Love you, Owen." Tosh called out lightly.

"Love you, Tosh. Ianto." The medic said in his sleep. Tosh and Ianto exchanged smiles.

"Fucking hate Jack, though." Owen slurred, rolling over onto his stomach. Tosh and Ianto's laughter could be heard throughout the loft.

_So, here's Owen's chapter. I think it's extremely funny, especially the ending but that may just be me. Tell me what you think by pressing that magical review button. Thanks for reading._


	3. Tosh

_Author's Notes: Yes, I know I've been away for awhile. I'd like to say it wasn't my fault but it was almost entirely my fault. I didn't mean to be gone for so long though, and I'm shocked people are still reviewing and reading my stuff even though I don't have a reputation for reliability with my updates. Still, thank you for your support and here's your reward. Tosh's one took a lot longer than I thought, I had the basic idea down but everytime I would try to write it, it turned out to be shit. Sorry, but now it's finally done and I hope you all like it. I'll try to update more regularly from now on._

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own Torchwood, if I did, I'd bring back Ianto. Really, it's not that hard! You've got alien tech coming out of your ears, RTD!  
_

_WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to telephone your ex-lovers at one o'clock in the morning._

There was nothing like getting shit-faced drunk after work with your mates especially two days before your birthday. It was a time of laughter and fun, a chance to unwind from the mediocre workday, especially when it was Friday. The pub was packed with smoking, drinking and loud people each with their own group of friends and the scent of stale beer and chips permeated the atmosphere.

Toshiko Sato was alone. At a pub. Drinking herself into oblivion. There were no friends, no colleagues and definitely no boyfriend with her. She was pretty enough, no deliberating tumours jutting out of her cheekbones, no twins growing out of her shoulder but for some reason, she was alone. And she was bitter about it. It's not that Tosh expected a lot from her life but she always thought that she could at least find someone to drink with after work. Even if they couldn't exactly be considered 'friends' her colleagues had never let her down before.

Usually there was Ianto, eager to please and more than willingly to keep her company as she lamented her bad relationships and how she was considered an old maid by her family. She would whine how she would never get married or have a family and move into a townhouse with a pink fence and big windows that let the light in. Ianto would pat her on the back and say how she was beautiful and that she would meet someone one day who would see how special she was. Ianto was always there for encouragement.

There was always Jack. Jack who would tell her stories and buy her thousands of drinks and make her laugh. He had the best stories and the dirtiest ones. Jack was a very good drinking buddy but he wasn't available. Jack had gone to talk to UNIT and taken Owen with him. Ianto was too busy trying to reorganize the Archives. And Gwen...Gwen couldn't be counted on to tell outrageous stories or offer sympathy, Gwen was riding high on marital bliss. When she came in to work in the mornings, Tosh was sure she would get a sugar rush from her sweet smile. Nothing was amiss in Gwen's world.

Lucky.

Tosh sucked back the rest of her drink; something that tasted awful but gave her a wonderful warm feeling as it slid down her throat. Her fingers fumbled clumsily on the buttons as she punched them into her cellphone. She didn't even have to look at her contact list, she had memorised the number and remembered it after all these years.

She ordered another drink while she waited, her phone pressed eagerly to her ear.

"H'lo?" A sleepy voice answered after a few minutes.

"Connor?" Tosh couldn't keep the eagerness out of her voice. "It's Tosh, Toshiko. Sato."

"Okay," the voice muttered. "What the hell are you calling me at-" There was a pause as Connor undoubtedly checked the clock. "At one in the fucking morning."

"I wanted to talk to you, I was lonely." Tosh said, taking a sip of her new drink. This one was pink instead of bronze and tasted vaguely of strawberries and vodka. She took another happy sip even as her head began to pound and things began to blur together.

"Lonely?" Connor said in disbelief, his voice still heavy with sleep. "Tosh...how did you even remember this number, we haven't spoken in _years_."

"How could I forget? I spent all night memorizing it, nearly failed my Chemistry final." Tosh giggled loudly causing a few heads to look up.

"Right, well can't you call someone else then?" Connor pleaded.

"Can't. There's no one." Tosh shook her head and nearly toppled off her chair. The world tipped crazily but she ignored it.

"Not even a boyfriend?"

"Well there's Ianto but he's usually too busy shagging Jack." Tosh said thoughtfully.

"...Your boyfriend's shagging a guy? How long has this been going on?"

"Oh, since Jack killed Ianto's girlfriend I suppose. Could have been longer though."

"Jack...killed someone!?" Connor said incredulously, more awake now.

"Well, I guess but not really. Ianto's girlfriend was a cyborg-thing. Jack really just pulled the plug."

Tosh frowned at her empty glass and pushed it off to the side, intending to order another one later when she wasn't feeling so sick.

"Fine... then call Ianto then." Connor sighed in defeat.

"I told you he's shagging Jack....hang on, that's not right. Ianto's at work, Jack left with Owen two days ago. They went up to London."

"Jack left with Owen? Who the bloody hell is Owen?! And does he know that Jack's cheating on Ianto with him, and that Ianto's cheating on you with Jack? Christ, this is worse than Skins!" Connor swore explosively.

Tosh could imagine the vein pulsing in his forehead even though she couldn't see him. She couldn't see much of anything; it was all blurry and looked like ink blots. Maybe her glasses were dirty?

"Owen wasn't too happy about it, especially when Jack forced him to sleep with him. Owen's been complaining for days. I think Jack might shoot him before the weekends up." Tosh reached up a hand to take off her spectacles until she realised that she wasn't wearing them. Oops.

"Look- Tosh-" Connor said wearily.

"Connor...who're you talking to?" Another voice said, sleepily.

Tosh's eyes widened, "who's that?"

"My wife...go back to sleep, Sandra. I'll hang up in a minute."

"You're married!" Tosh screeched.

"Yes, and I should've done this the minute you answered. You're obviously mad. Good night, Tosh."

"B-but I love you! You stupid bastard now I remember why I broke up with you." Tosh said viciously into the phone.

"I broke up with you. Now it's been seven years since then. So let's just pretend this conversation didn't actually happen, just go back to your cheating boyfriends and the one who killed some robot thing and let me go back to my life. It doesn't even matter really; I'm guessing you're too drunk to really understand what I'm saying anyways."

Tosh stared at the phone in shock as the dial tone rang through her ears.

How dare he! The stupid bastard! Tosh had half a mind to call him back but the she couldn't see the numbers on her phone anymore and her fingers kept slipping. Tosh giggled as her head collided with the table.

Connor had thought she was dating Ianto. How silly.

--

Jack had gotten the call from Danny, the bartender at Willy's, the pub the team usually frequented that Tosh had spent most of the night drinking and could Jack please come and get her since it was closing time and he really wanted to go home?

Well, how could Jack refuse so desperate a man?

He sauntered in and smiled at the adorable picture Toshiko made. Her head was pillowed on her arms and there was a thin trail of drool dripping down the side of her mouth and drenching her arm. He wrinkled his nose at the smell and gently shook her shoulder. After a few minutes, Tosh blearily opened her eyes and staring up at his blinding smile.

"Jack?" She asked hoarsely.

"Hey, looks like you had quite a night." He said, keeping one hand on her shoulder.

"You're supposed to be in London," Tosh blinked owlishly.

"Owen and I got a ticket out early, couldn't miss your birthday dinner tomorrow night could I?" He smiled down at her rubbing her shoulder comfortingly.

"Ianto was busy so I drank alone. Thought no one wanted to drink with me." Tosh said to herself. She looked up at Jack, "what do you mean birthday dinner?"

"That's what Ianto's been doing, we were supposed to be helping but then UNIT called and we had to leave it all to him. Hopefully he managed to sort everything out, though knowing Ianto." Jack trailed of unnecessarily when she saw Tosh's eyes close.

"Alright well let's get you home." He said, putting one hand around her waist to support her. Tosh lurched uneasily to her feet, her legs felt like jell-o and she kept her face pressed into Jack's chest, trying to keep her nausea at bay. Jack held her tightly while she regained her balance and then started towards the exit.

"Jack?" Tosh asked suddenly

"Hmm?"

"I think I called my ex-boyfriend from university." Tosh said, screwing up her face in confusion. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes glassy, a sure sign that she was on her way to hangover land.

"Happens to be the best of us, sweetheart. Don't worry, I'll get Ianto to retcon him in the morning."

"Oh, good."


End file.
